I wonder, if you'll wonder, where you were in my life, when I go.
Were you willfully embracing those who hurt and confused me, because that was easier?
Were you attacking me, dragging me down, or were you supporting me?
Nothing seems real...
Nothing seems real...
I am but a figment of your insecurities
I am judged by God, unforgiven by man
I lack the energy to fight
I feel defeated and I spend my time crying over my loss
It's a shame to feel like you will mean more, when you're not around...
Idon't want my life, why the fuck would I ever want yours? You've got to be kidding.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
2009ish
Neptune trine Pluto: Strange compulsions End of March 2008 until mid January 2010: This influence quickens your interest in the hidden psychological forces that are operating in your life. This can happen in several ways. First, you may become involved in a group or movement whose purpose is to expand consciousness - for example, one of the various human-potential groups that are thriving today. You may not feel satisfied with the way you have managed your life up till now, and you want to understand and gain greater control of the strange compulsions that everyone experiences from time to time, often with disastrous results. These compulsions are emotionally based drives that seem to operate without any bidding from the conscious mind. They often make you behave in ways that are not appropriate to the situation. Under this influence you will want to change this aspect of your mind, so this is a good time to begin psychotherapy, if you feel that is the best course to take. Another effect of this influence is to create interest in mystical and occult subjects, again with the aim of increasing your understanding of the universe and of yourself. You are not interested in power over others, which attracts some people to these subjects, or in mystery for its own sake. You are interested in learning what the deepest aspects of the universe can teach you about self-mastery. If you have already embarked on such a path, you may very well make a significant breakthrough in your search now. Your soul-life may reach an intensity that you have never felt before, increasing your understanding with totally unprecedented insights. But this knowledge will not be abstract - it will transform your life and your ability to experience it. 
Jupiter square Jupiter: Impending shortages 3 January 2009 until 12 January 2009: With this influence it is very important that you keep your affairs from getting out of hand. There is a strong tendency to excess, which may make it impossible to keep up with whatever you are involved in, simply because it is more than you can handle. Be particularly careful concerning financial matters, for you are likely to spend without thinking, confident that there is an abundance of money or other resources to back you up. You may not notice the pinch immediately, but shortly after this period you may experience shortages that will be severely exacerbated if you spend money foolishly now. But money is not the only area of concern. You may be overcommitted to projects that demand more time than you really have. So in every area of your life, make sure that you really have the time or resources to do what you have set out to do. Do not overestimate the resources at your disposal. If you avoid that pitfall, this can be a very fruitful influence, because it gives you more confidence and optimism and allows you to undertake projects that you would ordinarily be reluctant to take on. Also your basically positive attitude helps to ensure that your affairs will turn out the way you want. Under this influence some persons experience a kind of ego inflation in which they have delusions of grandeur or overestimate their self-importance. This can lead to arrogant behavior and inflated pride with little or no real substance behind it. What this influence does is test your sense of proportion. You have to know what you really can and cannot do and who you really are. Insofar as you fulfill those conditions, this influence will give you apparent luck and greater power to achieve. Jupiter trine Ascendant: People at their best 10 February 2009 until 19 February 2009: This influence signifies your willingness to grow in consciousness and experience through your contacts with others and to be more magnanimous and willing to help others. In this you are helped by the fact that your relations with others are very good at this time, and you experience people at their best. This makes you more optimistic, and you rightly believe that whatever you give to others will be returned with interest. A person may enter your life now who really helps you out in various ways, especially by teaching you something about the universe and your role in it. This learning will be on whatever level you are ready for, perhaps simply learning to be more tolerant and open to new ideas or even encountering deep spiritual and religious truths through this relationship. Certainly you are ready for a greater spiritual understanding of the world now. You need to experience more than the superficial banality of life that many people become mired in. Although you are inclined to idealize the world in general and certain persons in particular, in the long run you will find that this is not a delusion but a period of truly expanding knowledge. Your learning at this time is not limited to spiritual truths, for you are in general more intellectually eager and willing to learn. This is an excellent time to go to school or take a course in a subject that will give you greater insight into the questions that interest you. On occasion this influence will signify the beginning of a relationship that can bring you great emotional happiness. It could be a new love, although that is much more likely if indicated more specifically by another influence at about this time. Any new love that comes now will be very beneficial to your personal growth, whether or not it lasts. Neptune sextile Neptune: Positive reforms End of February 2009 until mid December 2010: This is a time of new awakening to a sense of what your life is about. Before this time you have been working to establish your sense of who you are in the community of adults, and by now you probably have a pretty clear idea about that. But you may also have discovered that what you are doing with your life is not entirely appropriate. You may conclude that in the past you were motivated by too narrow a conception of what you are, by a need for security, or simply by petty ego-drives. Now you will begin to see your life in terms of a larger perspective. You should do whatever is necessary to make sure that you can live according to this new understanding. This influence does not arouse your sense of idealism particularly, but it does make you see that the universe is a very large place, and you are a much larger part of it than you have realized. You may be attracted to rather mystical ideas, but they will have meaning only according to how they affect your everyday world. At this time you don't need more abstractions to chase around - you need to make positive reforms in your life. And you will do so! This influence will cause you to cut away your past and reorient your life in accordance with the larger vision you have now. The many changes that occur may seem somewhat scary, but they are ultimately for the best. You will find new freedom in a new consciousness. Jupiter conjunction MC: A highlight End of March 2009 until end of November 2009: This is a period of culmination in which you make a greater effort to get where you want to be, either in your profession or in some other area. And your efforts appear to produce results more easily than at just about any other time. Therefore you feel better about yourself and your life than at other times, and you feel confident that you can handle anything that comes your way. If you are in business for yourself, you should be careful not to expand too rapidly or overextend yourself. You might leave yourself vulnerable to the more difficult times that will eventually come. Make sure that all expansion is carefully planned and that you have safeguards against future times of difficulty. Another negative side of this influence will come up if you do not get the recognition that you feel you deserve. If others do not acknowledge you openly, you may feel cheated and go on to assume the station and privilege that you think you deserve. Even if you are recognized, you may act arrogant and smug. Be careful of this, because it creates a negative energy that could lead to your total downfall this influence is no longer in effect. In general the sphere of your activities will broaden at this time, and you will probably meet new people from unfamiliar parts of the country and even from other parts of the world. They may come into your expanding sphere of action, or you may travel to their worlds. All of this is most likely to happen through your work rather than your personal life. Jupiter trine Moon: With little effort Beginning of April 2009 until mid December 2009: Usually you will feel very good with this influence, quite optimistic and generous. You will be concerned about the welfare of those around you and will want to protect the people you love. At this time you will attract favorable circumstances and resources with little effort, which will seem very pleasant now. But you should not expect this to keep on happening indefinitely. In particular, people may come after you to meet you for some reason, and these people could be quite beneficial to you in business or personal affairs. Regardless of your own sex, you may very well benefit from women during this time. In some people this influence may stimulate an interest in religious and spiritual thought, but your views would be more strongly concerned with ethics and morality than with a more mystical approach to religion. At the very least you can expect to feel quite good at this time, and even if nothing tremendous comes out of it, you will have a feeling of satisfaction and of being at peace with yourself.
Jupiter square Jupiter: Impending shortages 3 January 2009 until 12 January 2009: With this influence it is very important that you keep your affairs from getting out of hand. There is a strong tendency to excess, which may make it impossible to keep up with whatever you are involved in, simply because it is more than you can handle. Be particularly careful concerning financial matters, for you are likely to spend without thinking, confident that there is an abundance of money or other resources to back you up. You may not notice the pinch immediately, but shortly after this period you may experience shortages that will be severely exacerbated if you spend money foolishly now. But money is not the only area of concern. You may be overcommitted to projects that demand more time than you really have. So in every area of your life, make sure that you really have the time or resources to do what you have set out to do. Do not overestimate the resources at your disposal. If you avoid that pitfall, this can be a very fruitful influence, because it gives you more confidence and optimism and allows you to undertake projects that you would ordinarily be reluctant to take on. Also your basically positive attitude helps to ensure that your affairs will turn out the way you want. Under this influence some persons experience a kind of ego inflation in which they have delusions of grandeur or overestimate their self-importance. This can lead to arrogant behavior and inflated pride with little or no real substance behind it. What this influence does is test your sense of proportion. You have to know what you really can and cannot do and who you really are. Insofar as you fulfill those conditions, this influence will give you apparent luck and greater power to achieve. Jupiter trine Ascendant: People at their best 10 February 2009 until 19 February 2009: This influence signifies your willingness to grow in consciousness and experience through your contacts with others and to be more magnanimous and willing to help others. In this you are helped by the fact that your relations with others are very good at this time, and you experience people at their best. This makes you more optimistic, and you rightly believe that whatever you give to others will be returned with interest. A person may enter your life now who really helps you out in various ways, especially by teaching you something about the universe and your role in it. This learning will be on whatever level you are ready for, perhaps simply learning to be more tolerant and open to new ideas or even encountering deep spiritual and religious truths through this relationship. Certainly you are ready for a greater spiritual understanding of the world now. You need to experience more than the superficial banality of life that many people become mired in. Although you are inclined to idealize the world in general and certain persons in particular, in the long run you will find that this is not a delusion but a period of truly expanding knowledge. Your learning at this time is not limited to spiritual truths, for you are in general more intellectually eager and willing to learn. This is an excellent time to go to school or take a course in a subject that will give you greater insight into the questions that interest you. On occasion this influence will signify the beginning of a relationship that can bring you great emotional happiness. It could be a new love, although that is much more likely if indicated more specifically by another influence at about this time. Any new love that comes now will be very beneficial to your personal growth, whether or not it lasts. Neptune sextile Neptune: Positive reforms End of February 2009 until mid December 2010: This is a time of new awakening to a sense of what your life is about. Before this time you have been working to establish your sense of who you are in the community of adults, and by now you probably have a pretty clear idea about that. But you may also have discovered that what you are doing with your life is not entirely appropriate. You may conclude that in the past you were motivated by too narrow a conception of what you are, by a need for security, or simply by petty ego-drives. Now you will begin to see your life in terms of a larger perspective. You should do whatever is necessary to make sure that you can live according to this new understanding. This influence does not arouse your sense of idealism particularly, but it does make you see that the universe is a very large place, and you are a much larger part of it than you have realized. You may be attracted to rather mystical ideas, but they will have meaning only according to how they affect your everyday world. At this time you don't need more abstractions to chase around - you need to make positive reforms in your life. And you will do so! This influence will cause you to cut away your past and reorient your life in accordance with the larger vision you have now. The many changes that occur may seem somewhat scary, but they are ultimately for the best. You will find new freedom in a new consciousness. Jupiter conjunction MC: A highlight End of March 2009 until end of November 2009: This is a period of culmination in which you make a greater effort to get where you want to be, either in your profession or in some other area. And your efforts appear to produce results more easily than at just about any other time. Therefore you feel better about yourself and your life than at other times, and you feel confident that you can handle anything that comes your way. If you are in business for yourself, you should be careful not to expand too rapidly or overextend yourself. You might leave yourself vulnerable to the more difficult times that will eventually come. Make sure that all expansion is carefully planned and that you have safeguards against future times of difficulty. Another negative side of this influence will come up if you do not get the recognition that you feel you deserve. If others do not acknowledge you openly, you may feel cheated and go on to assume the station and privilege that you think you deserve. Even if you are recognized, you may act arrogant and smug. Be careful of this, because it creates a negative energy that could lead to your total downfall this influence is no longer in effect. In general the sphere of your activities will broaden at this time, and you will probably meet new people from unfamiliar parts of the country and even from other parts of the world. They may come into your expanding sphere of action, or you may travel to their worlds. All of this is most likely to happen through your work rather than your personal life. Jupiter trine Moon: With little effort Beginning of April 2009 until mid December 2009: Usually you will feel very good with this influence, quite optimistic and generous. You will be concerned about the welfare of those around you and will want to protect the people you love. At this time you will attract favorable circumstances and resources with little effort, which will seem very pleasant now. But you should not expect this to keep on happening indefinitely. In particular, people may come after you to meet you for some reason, and these people could be quite beneficial to you in business or personal affairs. Regardless of your own sex, you may very well benefit from women during this time. In some people this influence may stimulate an interest in religious and spiritual thought, but your views would be more strongly concerned with ethics and morality than with a more mystical approach to religion. At the very least you can expect to feel quite good at this time, and even if nothing tremendous comes out of it, you will have a feeling of satisfaction and of being at peace with yourself.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
since no one reads this anyway, unless by accident
I might as well be my candid, unfiltered self.
It is looking like leaving Daniel really was the best thing I could have done for him. I knew that all along, and it depressed me. For years I told him I was too fucked up for him and he never wanted to hear it.
In a way it seems like leaving was selfless, in that regard. I am pretty sure no one will ever treat me the way he did, see the sun shine out of my ass or be able to handle my tumultous ways.
I am lonely and poor so I am out of therapy and seeking solace in ALL the wrong places. I am trying to be careful not to hurt anyone (but myself I guess)...so far I am succeeding at that...
...I think.
It's hard to know.
Hoping the depression passes soon.
It is looking like leaving Daniel really was the best thing I could have done for him. I knew that all along, and it depressed me. For years I told him I was too fucked up for him and he never wanted to hear it.
In a way it seems like leaving was selfless, in that regard. I am pretty sure no one will ever treat me the way he did, see the sun shine out of my ass or be able to handle my tumultous ways.
I am lonely and poor so I am out of therapy and seeking solace in ALL the wrong places. I am trying to be careful not to hurt anyone (but myself I guess)...so far I am succeeding at that...
...I think.
It's hard to know.
Hoping the depression passes soon.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
old writings-sometimes I am sentimental
Stolen moments now
One of these days I won't remember you.
Tossed into the sea of past lovers
for what seems so significant now-
will only be a memory
before it fades
into the back of my senile mind.
Your sight is clouded-
You aren't going to see me...
...but I hope you remember me.
Hope you remember the look in my eyes
the way I feel.
I hope you feel me deep in your core.
When you're ready to climb out
I'll be there
heart extended
to see you through.
One of these days I won't remember you.
Tossed into the sea of past lovers
for what seems so significant now-
will only be a memory
before it fades
into the back of my senile mind.
Your sight is clouded-
You aren't going to see me...
...but I hope you remember me.
Hope you remember the look in my eyes
the way I feel.
I hope you feel me deep in your core.
When you're ready to climb out
I'll be there
heart extended
to see you through.
Monday, October 13, 2008
procrastinating
I am not prepared for this wake today.
For any wake, for that matter.
The wake of a less than 2 month old baby is too much for me...
I am not strong enough for any of this. I am frightened and trying to get over myself and get it together, because it's not about me.
I need to be there for the family who has another angel in heaven...
fucking life man.
For any wake, for that matter.
The wake of a less than 2 month old baby is too much for me...
I am not strong enough for any of this. I am frightened and trying to get over myself and get it together, because it's not about me.
I need to be there for the family who has another angel in heaven...
fucking life man.
this actually doesn't mean anything, but I am wondering
What it us about me that leaves some of my male friends with hopeless crushes on me, (but in a questionable sense...)
and I am always attracted to the completely emotionally unavailable.
It seems like it could be so much easier...
Is this self protection? Self destruction?
I need to find a way to balance behaving in a black and white manner, and feeling gray all the time.
That doesn't line up at all.
And it always trips me out, that my comfort in vulnerability, seems like my greatest strength.
REVELATION. I am comfortable being vulnerable, uncomfortable when it turns into crazy behaviors.
I am overcome with emotion. I am intelligent enough to know that this is why I have been hiding behind the bottle. And that the bottle lets out the raw craziness.
and I am always attracted to the completely emotionally unavailable.
It seems like it could be so much easier...
Is this self protection? Self destruction?
I need to find a way to balance behaving in a black and white manner, and feeling gray all the time.
That doesn't line up at all.
And it always trips me out, that my comfort in vulnerability, seems like my greatest strength.
REVELATION. I am comfortable being vulnerable, uncomfortable when it turns into crazy behaviors.
I am overcome with emotion. I am intelligent enough to know that this is why I have been hiding behind the bottle. And that the bottle lets out the raw craziness.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
oy
Sober, second night in a row.
Uncomfortable as all hell.
Praying the words flow from my head, onto this paper, and not having a lot of faith that they will.
I feel easy to love, easier to hate, easy to make fun of...
and, I'm ok with that? The thing that really bugs me, is that I don't feel easy to forgive. I feel like I forgive almost everything and everyone, all the time, and it doesn't get returned.
I don't really think I am any more volatile than anyone else who has hurt feelings or feels threatened. In fact, I don't really think I am that unique from every other person, at all.
Forgiveness makes civility, which is a comfortable state for all. It doesn't mean that the face of the relationship or situation at hand isn't forever changed, but it does mean that you can coexist...
I am so awake (fucking nap) hungry and...just stirred up like a mother fucker.
"look at this motha fucka!"
I don't like being alone. In the relationship sense, that's fine, but not in a physical sense. That's why I have a bazillion friends and spend 90% of my time on people's couches. It's why I spend so much time on the computer and text like crazy.
I am logging off now, but it isn't goodnight...
I'm texting.
Uncomfortable as all hell.
Praying the words flow from my head, onto this paper, and not having a lot of faith that they will.
I feel easy to love, easier to hate, easy to make fun of...
and, I'm ok with that? The thing that really bugs me, is that I don't feel easy to forgive. I feel like I forgive almost everything and everyone, all the time, and it doesn't get returned.
I don't really think I am any more volatile than anyone else who has hurt feelings or feels threatened. In fact, I don't really think I am that unique from every other person, at all.
Forgiveness makes civility, which is a comfortable state for all. It doesn't mean that the face of the relationship or situation at hand isn't forever changed, but it does mean that you can coexist...
I am so awake (fucking nap) hungry and...just stirred up like a mother fucker.
"look at this motha fucka!"
I don't like being alone. In the relationship sense, that's fine, but not in a physical sense. That's why I have a bazillion friends and spend 90% of my time on people's couches. It's why I spend so much time on the computer and text like crazy.
I am logging off now, but it isn't goodnight...
I'm texting.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
ok ok, let's keep it real
When I left Daniel 3 years ago, I looked into his eyes, bawling and told him that I would regret leaving him until the day I died.
Because I knew no one would ever look at me with those eyes again. Or love me the way he did. And to this day, I haven't found it yet.
I am not inviting it. I don't want it. And I wanted better for him. Wanted someone who looked the same way at him, for him.
Not this sad girl.
Soberness might change my mind in the am. But i doubt it.
I forced our destinies. Apparently, I thought fate got it wrong.
To this day, I think I am his girl. Except that he had to find and live a life without me, one that is easier. One that is less complicated.
I will always hate that I feel like I had to let us go. Because that kind of love, is epically, amazingly precious...and rare.
I am glad that he made it out. I think a emotional suffering can directly equate to intelligence, so...I am glad he is with simpler, less broken, more appreciative creature now.
It doesn't change my grief, for the sweet, amazing boy, that I knew.
Because I knew no one would ever look at me with those eyes again. Or love me the way he did. And to this day, I haven't found it yet.
I am not inviting it. I don't want it. And I wanted better for him. Wanted someone who looked the same way at him, for him.
Not this sad girl.
Soberness might change my mind in the am. But i doubt it.
I forced our destinies. Apparently, I thought fate got it wrong.
To this day, I think I am his girl. Except that he had to find and live a life without me, one that is easier. One that is less complicated.
I will always hate that I feel like I had to let us go. Because that kind of love, is epically, amazingly precious...and rare.
I am glad that he made it out. I think a emotional suffering can directly equate to intelligence, so...I am glad he is with simpler, less broken, more appreciative creature now.
It doesn't change my grief, for the sweet, amazing boy, that I knew.
remember that one time?
When I let my heart break?
And then I let it break...
over...and over...and over again?
Years of repeating the same.
Acceptance, is life's most difficult obstacle, for me.
And then I let it break...
over...and over...and over again?
Years of repeating the same.
Acceptance, is life's most difficult obstacle, for me.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Pffftttttt
My God.
Composure is something else.
I had a whole lot to say, then I got to the blog page and words ran out.
Aging is interesting, for sure. So is self censoring.
Composure is something else.
I had a whole lot to say, then I got to the blog page and words ran out.
Aging is interesting, for sure. So is self censoring.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
one of those days
I am so stressed.
Anxious, and sad.
I have a splitting headache, and all I want is something that I cannot have right now.
Hoping as the day continues, this gets better...
Anxious, and sad.
I have a splitting headache, and all I want is something that I cannot have right now.
Hoping as the day continues, this gets better...
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
toughening up
I know what I have to do most of the time.
I wonder what I am trying to acheive?
Don't call.
Don't text.
Be strong.
I am working on it...
I wonder what I am trying to acheive?
Don't call.
Don't text.
Be strong.
I am working on it...
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Feelin'n rough and raw in the time of my life
So, my trip to Portland totally fucked with my head,
And I am further convinced that I am too fucked up for the free world.
And that I don't want to associate with the poeple who relate, or think I'm not.
Cause I am trying to change the destiny I was born into.
And that my inability to change that will perpetually leave me a lonely woman.
And I am further convinced that I am too fucked up for the free world.
And that I don't want to associate with the poeple who relate, or think I'm not.
Cause I am trying to change the destiny I was born into.
And that my inability to change that will perpetually leave me a lonely woman.
Monday, August 25, 2008
You, hurter of feelings
You use all your good qualities as weapons and it sucks.
I'm tired by you.
There is no winning because you are relentless and unforgiving, and I am easy to hate.
I'm not sorry I am ok with my humanity. I am sorry you hate it, that sucks.
I'm tired by you.
There is no winning because you are relentless and unforgiving, and I am easy to hate.
I'm not sorry I am ok with my humanity. I am sorry you hate it, that sucks.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
I guess this is more for me than you
The more that I know about how you are spending your time, the angrier I get.
So powerless and frustrating. I want to shake you and ask what you think you're doing.
Instead, I will do nothing. Because even talking to you isn't an option. You are too stubborn and don't listen anyway.
So powerless and frustrating. I want to shake you and ask what you think you're doing.
Instead, I will do nothing. Because even talking to you isn't an option. You are too stubborn and don't listen anyway.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Money sucks
But everything else is stellar!
I feel like I have fought long and hard for this life that I have now, and I am loving it. Freedom is the running theme currently.
2 weeks until it's time to crack down. I know it's coming so I am enjoying every minute of my freedom now.
Shhhh...don't tell anyone but I am totally smitten too. That's icing on the cake that is this amazing life.
So I am a little stressed about cash, but I figure that that will work itself out too. There's never enough...oh well!
Happy Tuesday everyone!
I feel like I have fought long and hard for this life that I have now, and I am loving it. Freedom is the running theme currently.
2 weeks until it's time to crack down. I know it's coming so I am enjoying every minute of my freedom now.
Shhhh...don't tell anyone but I am totally smitten too. That's icing on the cake that is this amazing life.
So I am a little stressed about cash, but I figure that that will work itself out too. There's never enough...oh well!
Happy Tuesday everyone!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Dear Instincts
When will I learn to listen to you...more?
Cause I listen now, but not consistently enough...
Dear brain:
Shhhh...you are keeping me awake.
I hope this mind set follows me into tomorrow...and the next day...and the day after that...
Cause I listen now, but not consistently enough...
Dear brain:
Shhhh...you are keeping me awake.
I hope this mind set follows me into tomorrow...and the next day...and the day after that...
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Boys are bad
Fuck dude.
I am a firecracker. I think I need someone who puts out the flame, not someone who throws gas on the fire.
I'm in a funk. Tell me why there's always some miscommunication. It's enough to make a girl give up on dating all together. I miss the days of weekend bf's right now...the friends who occasionally visit town, then they disappear and you don't see or talk to them much until they visit again.
Why did my ability to have that type of relationship change? F maturity. :P
Done being cranky now. Actually, not done, but going to sleep.
I am a firecracker. I think I need someone who puts out the flame, not someone who throws gas on the fire.
I'm in a funk. Tell me why there's always some miscommunication. It's enough to make a girl give up on dating all together. I miss the days of weekend bf's right now...the friends who occasionally visit town, then they disappear and you don't see or talk to them much until they visit again.
Why did my ability to have that type of relationship change? F maturity. :P
Done being cranky now. Actually, not done, but going to sleep.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
wait a minute
Calling captain mind fuck. Come in....captain mind fuck!
What just happened? I am not that girl, the one that gets pinned over, missed, etc. I'm the heart broken, not the heart breaker...My friends are those magnetic women, the ones who leave trails of men in the dust...and I'm the one always trailing after...
So events of this evening have left me confused.
I am confused.
Cheers to my continual study of humanity.
What just happened? I am not that girl, the one that gets pinned over, missed, etc. I'm the heart broken, not the heart breaker...My friends are those magnetic women, the ones who leave trails of men in the dust...and I'm the one always trailing after...
So events of this evening have left me confused.
I am confused.
Cheers to my continual study of humanity.
Friday, August 8, 2008
The more I learn, the more I realize how little I actually know
Leave it to Karaoke. Despite my old soul, my core innocence still gets the best of me at times. It's mildly disruptive everytime I gain a new awareness...
Last night I realized that half of the songs I loved growing up are not only about drugs, but heroin. Lovely, right? I don't know why, exactly, I am new to this party. I guess I just wasn't paying attention before...
The last week has been a funky one for me, for sure. Daily adult struggles (job, money, school, etc) Letting loose often enough to relax, knowing the right way to handle my situation with Kelsey, dealing with the ex files, and current men situations...it's enough to make me want to go to the beach for the weekend by myself and regroup.
Balance, it's all about balance. Spending just enough time with friends and being out to satisfy the social need. Being the best employee that I can be. Doing school the right way, so that I have lots of options in a few years. Balance will be a continual lesson for me. I am generally all or nothing invested in whatever I have decided is most important right now.
I need a lot of freedoms in my life. Maybe I have a free spirit and will always be, or maybe it's because I trapped myself in such extremes so young. I need freedoms both emotionally and physically, which is why my place is so empty and my stuff is scattered everywhere. And while it's slowly becoming a home, I think that I will prevent it from ever being that hard to get out of. (Ie: not owning/buying furniture that I give a shit about). I don't want that sense of permanence right now.
I recently visited with a well respected elder, and all I could repeat over and over is "I don't know." She told me that was a sign of maturity. When you get to the point where you just accept stuff for what it is, and are open to wherever life takes you. Relinquishing control...something like that.
So here I am. Learning more and more everyday, and knowing nothing at all. Except myself. I am learning to trust my instincts, and I know me...but there are days when even that isn't that clear because knowing me means dealing with undesired consequences of staying true to self.
Thanks for listening.
Last night I realized that half of the songs I loved growing up are not only about drugs, but heroin. Lovely, right? I don't know why, exactly, I am new to this party. I guess I just wasn't paying attention before...
The last week has been a funky one for me, for sure. Daily adult struggles (job, money, school, etc) Letting loose often enough to relax, knowing the right way to handle my situation with Kelsey, dealing with the ex files, and current men situations...it's enough to make me want to go to the beach for the weekend by myself and regroup.
Balance, it's all about balance. Spending just enough time with friends and being out to satisfy the social need. Being the best employee that I can be. Doing school the right way, so that I have lots of options in a few years. Balance will be a continual lesson for me. I am generally all or nothing invested in whatever I have decided is most important right now.
I need a lot of freedoms in my life. Maybe I have a free spirit and will always be, or maybe it's because I trapped myself in such extremes so young. I need freedoms both emotionally and physically, which is why my place is so empty and my stuff is scattered everywhere. And while it's slowly becoming a home, I think that I will prevent it from ever being that hard to get out of. (Ie: not owning/buying furniture that I give a shit about). I don't want that sense of permanence right now.
I recently visited with a well respected elder, and all I could repeat over and over is "I don't know." She told me that was a sign of maturity. When you get to the point where you just accept stuff for what it is, and are open to wherever life takes you. Relinquishing control...something like that.
So here I am. Learning more and more everyday, and knowing nothing at all. Except myself. I am learning to trust my instincts, and I know me...but there are days when even that isn't that clear because knowing me means dealing with undesired consequences of staying true to self.
Thanks for listening.
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