The more I learn, the more I realize how little I actually know

Leave it to Karaoke. Despite my old soul, my core innocence still gets the best of me at times. It's mildly disruptive everytime I gain a new awareness...

Last night I realized that half of the songs I loved growing up are not only about drugs, but heroin. Lovely, right? I don't know why, exactly, I am new to this party. I guess I just wasn't paying attention before...

The last week has been a funky one for me, for sure. Daily adult struggles (job, money, school, etc) Letting loose often enough to relax, knowing the right way to handle my situation with Kelsey, dealing with the ex files, and current men situations...it's enough to make me want to go to the beach for the weekend by myself and regroup.

Balance, it's all about balance. Spending just enough time with friends and being out to satisfy the social need. Being the best employee that I can be. Doing school the right way, so that I have lots of options in a few years. Balance will be a continual lesson for me. I am generally all or nothing invested in whatever I have decided is most important right now.

I need a lot of freedoms in my life. Maybe I have a free spirit and will always be, or maybe it's because I trapped myself in such extremes so young. I need freedoms both emotionally and physically, which is why my place is so empty and my stuff is scattered everywhere. And while it's slowly becoming a home, I think that I will prevent it from ever being that hard to get out of. (Ie: not owning/buying furniture that I give a shit about). I don't want that sense of permanence right now.

I recently visited with a well respected elder, and all I could repeat over and over is "I don't know." She told me that was a sign of maturity. When you get to the point where you just accept stuff for what it is, and are open to wherever life takes you. Relinquishing control...something like that.

So here I am. Learning more and more everyday, and knowing nothing at all. Except myself. I am learning to trust my instincts, and I know me...but there are days when even that isn't that clear because knowing me means dealing with undesired consequences of staying true to self.

Thanks for listening.