procrastinating

I am not prepared for this wake today.

For any wake, for that matter.

The wake of a less than 2 month old baby is too much for me...

I am not strong enough for any of this. I am frightened and trying to get over myself and get it together, because it's not about me.

I need to be there for the family who has another angel in heaven...

fucking life man.

this actually doesn't mean anything, but I am wondering

What it us about me that leaves some of my male friends with hopeless crushes on me, (but in a questionable sense...)

and I am always attracted to the completely emotionally unavailable.

It seems like it could be so much easier...

Is this self protection? Self destruction?

I need to find a way to balance behaving in a black and white manner, and feeling gray all the time.

That doesn't line up at all.

And it always trips me out, that my comfort in vulnerability, seems like my greatest strength.

REVELATION. I am comfortable being vulnerable, uncomfortable when it turns into crazy behaviors.

I am overcome with emotion. I am intelligent enough to know that this is why I have been hiding behind the bottle. And that the bottle lets out the raw craziness.

oy

Sober, second night in a row.

Uncomfortable as all hell.

Praying the words flow from my head, onto this paper, and not having a lot of faith that they will.

I feel easy to love, easier to hate, easy to make fun of...

and, I'm ok with that? The thing that really bugs me, is that I don't feel easy to forgive. I feel like I forgive almost everything and everyone, all the time, and it doesn't get returned.

I don't really think I am any more volatile than anyone else who has hurt feelings or feels threatened. In fact, I don't really think I am that unique from every other person, at all.

Forgiveness makes civility, which is a comfortable state for all. It doesn't mean that the face of the relationship or situation at hand isn't forever changed, but it does mean that you can coexist...

I am so awake (fucking nap) hungry and...just stirred up like a mother fucker.

"look at this motha fucka!"

I don't like being alone. In the relationship sense, that's fine, but not in a physical sense. That's why I have a bazillion friends and spend 90% of my time on people's couches. It's why I spend so much time on the computer and text like crazy.

I am logging off now, but it isn't goodnight...

I'm texting.

ok ok, let's keep it real

When I left Daniel 3 years ago, I looked into his eyes, bawling and told him that I would regret leaving him until the day I died.

Because I knew no one would ever look at me with those eyes again. Or love me the way he did. And to this day, I haven't found it yet.

I am not inviting it. I don't want it. And I wanted better for him. Wanted someone who looked the same way at him, for him.

Not this sad girl.

Soberness might change my mind in the am. But i doubt it.

I forced our destinies. Apparently, I thought fate got it wrong.

To this day, I think I am his girl. Except that he had to find and live a life without me, one that is easier. One that is less complicated.

I will always hate that I feel like I had to let us go. Because that kind of love, is epically, amazingly precious...and rare.

I am glad that he made it out. I think a emotional suffering can directly equate to intelligence, so...I am glad he is with simpler, less broken, more appreciative creature now.

It doesn't change my grief, for the sweet, amazing boy, that I knew.

remember that one time?

When I let my heart break?

And then I let it break...

over...and over...and over again?

Years of repeating the same.

Acceptance, is life's most difficult obstacle, for me.

Pffftttttt

My God.

Composure is something else.

I had a whole lot to say, then I got to the blog page and words ran out.

Aging is interesting, for sure. So is self censoring.