You, hurter of feelings

You use all your good qualities as weapons and it sucks.

I'm tired by you.

There is no winning because you are relentless and unforgiving, and I am easy to hate.

I'm not sorry I am ok with my humanity. I am sorry you hate it, that sucks.

I guess this is more for me than you

The more that I know about how you are spending your time, the angrier I get.

So powerless and frustrating. I want to shake you and ask what you think you're doing.

Instead, I will do nothing. Because even talking to you isn't an option. You are too stubborn and don't listen anyway.

Money sucks

But everything else is stellar!

I feel like I have fought long and hard for this life that I have now, and I am loving it. Freedom is the running theme currently.

2 weeks until it's time to crack down. I know it's coming so I am enjoying every minute of my freedom now.

Shhhh...don't tell anyone but I am totally smitten too. That's icing on the cake that is this amazing life.

So I am a little stressed about cash, but I figure that that will work itself out too. There's never enough...oh well!

Happy Tuesday everyone!

Dear Instincts

When will I learn to listen to you...more?

Cause I listen now, but not consistently enough...

Dear brain:

Shhhh...you are keeping me awake.

I hope this mind set follows me into tomorrow...and the next day...and the day after that...

Boys are bad

Fuck dude.

I am a firecracker. I think I need someone who puts out the flame, not someone who throws gas on the fire.

I'm in a funk. Tell me why there's always some miscommunication. It's enough to make a girl give up on dating all together. I miss the days of weekend bf's right now...the friends who occasionally visit town, then they disappear and you don't see or talk to them much until they visit again.

Why did my ability to have that type of relationship change? F maturity. :P

Done being cranky now. Actually, not done, but going to sleep.

wait a minute

Calling captain mind fuck. Come in....captain mind fuck!

What just happened? I am not that girl, the one that gets pinned over, missed, etc. I'm the heart broken, not the heart breaker...My friends are those magnetic women, the ones who leave trails of men in the dust...and I'm the one always trailing after...

So events of this evening have left me confused.

I am confused.

Cheers to my continual study of humanity.

The more I learn, the more I realize how little I actually know

Leave it to Karaoke. Despite my old soul, my core innocence still gets the best of me at times. It's mildly disruptive everytime I gain a new awareness...

Last night I realized that half of the songs I loved growing up are not only about drugs, but heroin. Lovely, right? I don't know why, exactly, I am new to this party. I guess I just wasn't paying attention before...

The last week has been a funky one for me, for sure. Daily adult struggles (job, money, school, etc) Letting loose often enough to relax, knowing the right way to handle my situation with Kelsey, dealing with the ex files, and current men situations...it's enough to make me want to go to the beach for the weekend by myself and regroup.

Balance, it's all about balance. Spending just enough time with friends and being out to satisfy the social need. Being the best employee that I can be. Doing school the right way, so that I have lots of options in a few years. Balance will be a continual lesson for me. I am generally all or nothing invested in whatever I have decided is most important right now.

I need a lot of freedoms in my life. Maybe I have a free spirit and will always be, or maybe it's because I trapped myself in such extremes so young. I need freedoms both emotionally and physically, which is why my place is so empty and my stuff is scattered everywhere. And while it's slowly becoming a home, I think that I will prevent it from ever being that hard to get out of. (Ie: not owning/buying furniture that I give a shit about). I don't want that sense of permanence right now.

I recently visited with a well respected elder, and all I could repeat over and over is "I don't know." She told me that was a sign of maturity. When you get to the point where you just accept stuff for what it is, and are open to wherever life takes you. Relinquishing control...something like that.

So here I am. Learning more and more everyday, and knowing nothing at all. Except myself. I am learning to trust my instincts, and I know me...but there are days when even that isn't that clear because knowing me means dealing with undesired consequences of staying true to self.

Thanks for listening.