The ever plauging human condition/question.
I don't fucking know. So I will write about my instant love of a man who, to this day, I don't know if he felt anything for me ever. He sure did say all the right things, but...the rest is to be determined.
I remember being nervous to see you, and blowing you off. It's like my subconscious knew what was ahead of me. Hell, maybe it was my conscious.
I remember meeting you, with your big goofy smile. You were tall, so very tall. I remember feeling fat and uncomfortable and hoping, for whatever reason, that you might find me attractive. I remember worrying about you finding out my drinking was a lifestyle (I later got over that. Then, I quit.)
I remember my palms sweating, and me hanging onto every word you said. I couldn't sleep that night, when we parted ways. We didn't even kiss, but I was in love.
Everyone around me knew it right away. I was smitten, done. The end. That's it. Ovah for me.
You were so charming. So sweet. So strong in your conviction of nothing but to not die, not hurt your mom or family anymore.
I remember your smell, and your taste, and our first kiss. I remember how critical you were of me, but not in a hostile way. Just like you were a student studying something, and I was the subject.
I remember our fall, how we lost each other. Every painful moment that bleeds into the todays...
So in love. Never had a love like that.
I hope you loved me at least a little. I wonder what would happen if I saw you again, if we were to touch, or kiss...I wonder how many people I would hurt and disappoint for you again.
Despite it all, I miss you.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
since myspace bolgging is null and uncontrollable
I'm sad.
Like, really sad. Like I googled mental breakdown and I am convinced I am having one sad. And idk how or why but I am still lucky enough to be surrounded by the most amazing people who are trying to get me through it.
I have zero motivation for work, it takes me an hour to et up in the morning and then I ache like no one's business, I never feel rested and I am having manic episodes. It's worse than I have ever felt. SO-I cut out drinking (which is leading to me eating a ton more sugars) and I am going to try and change my diet. I also contacted a psychologist. I am so tired of feeling this way. I don't want to lose everything that matters to me...
God help me.
Like, really sad. Like I googled mental breakdown and I am convinced I am having one sad. And idk how or why but I am still lucky enough to be surrounded by the most amazing people who are trying to get me through it.
I have zero motivation for work, it takes me an hour to et up in the morning and then I ache like no one's business, I never feel rested and I am having manic episodes. It's worse than I have ever felt. SO-I cut out drinking (which is leading to me eating a ton more sugars) and I am going to try and change my diet. I also contacted a psychologist. I am so tired of feeling this way. I don't want to lose everything that matters to me...
God help me.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Proof that I know nothing
So, I think I've found Mr. Right, Mr. Perfect, Mr. the ying to my yang...
Only to seemingly be wrong.
I'm so patient sober. I'm so impatient intoxicated...
That's why I settled on Daniel. I knew he wasn't it, but was afraid of me ending up being this...
Only to seemingly be wrong.
I'm so patient sober. I'm so impatient intoxicated...
That's why I settled on Daniel. I knew he wasn't it, but was afraid of me ending up being this...
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
sometimes
I wonder, if you'll wonder, where you were in my life, when I go.
Were you willfully embracing those who hurt and confused me, because that was easier?
Were you attacking me, dragging me down, or were you supporting me?
Nothing seems real...
Nothing seems real...
I am but a figment of your insecurities
I am judged by God, unforgiven by man
I lack the energy to fight
I feel defeated and I spend my time crying over my loss
It's a shame to feel like you will mean more, when you're not around...
Idon't want my life, why the fuck would I ever want yours? You've got to be kidding.
Were you willfully embracing those who hurt and confused me, because that was easier?
Were you attacking me, dragging me down, or were you supporting me?
Nothing seems real...
Nothing seems real...
I am but a figment of your insecurities
I am judged by God, unforgiven by man
I lack the energy to fight
I feel defeated and I spend my time crying over my loss
It's a shame to feel like you will mean more, when you're not around...
Idon't want my life, why the fuck would I ever want yours? You've got to be kidding.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
2009ish
Neptune trine Pluto: Strange compulsions End of March 2008 until mid January 2010: This influence quickens your interest in the hidden psychological forces that are operating in your life. This can happen in several ways. First, you may become involved in a group or movement whose purpose is to expand consciousness - for example, one of the various human-potential groups that are thriving today. You may not feel satisfied with the way you have managed your life up till now, and you want to understand and gain greater control of the strange compulsions that everyone experiences from time to time, often with disastrous results. These compulsions are emotionally based drives that seem to operate without any bidding from the conscious mind. They often make you behave in ways that are not appropriate to the situation. Under this influence you will want to change this aspect of your mind, so this is a good time to begin psychotherapy, if you feel that is the best course to take. Another effect of this influence is to create interest in mystical and occult subjects, again with the aim of increasing your understanding of the universe and of yourself. You are not interested in power over others, which attracts some people to these subjects, or in mystery for its own sake. You are interested in learning what the deepest aspects of the universe can teach you about self-mastery. If you have already embarked on such a path, you may very well make a significant breakthrough in your search now. Your soul-life may reach an intensity that you have never felt before, increasing your understanding with totally unprecedented insights. But this knowledge will not be abstract - it will transform your life and your ability to experience it. 
Jupiter square Jupiter: Impending shortages 3 January 2009 until 12 January 2009: With this influence it is very important that you keep your affairs from getting out of hand. There is a strong tendency to excess, which may make it impossible to keep up with whatever you are involved in, simply because it is more than you can handle. Be particularly careful concerning financial matters, for you are likely to spend without thinking, confident that there is an abundance of money or other resources to back you up. You may not notice the pinch immediately, but shortly after this period you may experience shortages that will be severely exacerbated if you spend money foolishly now. But money is not the only area of concern. You may be overcommitted to projects that demand more time than you really have. So in every area of your life, make sure that you really have the time or resources to do what you have set out to do. Do not overestimate the resources at your disposal. If you avoid that pitfall, this can be a very fruitful influence, because it gives you more confidence and optimism and allows you to undertake projects that you would ordinarily be reluctant to take on. Also your basically positive attitude helps to ensure that your affairs will turn out the way you want. Under this influence some persons experience a kind of ego inflation in which they have delusions of grandeur or overestimate their self-importance. This can lead to arrogant behavior and inflated pride with little or no real substance behind it. What this influence does is test your sense of proportion. You have to know what you really can and cannot do and who you really are. Insofar as you fulfill those conditions, this influence will give you apparent luck and greater power to achieve. Jupiter trine Ascendant: People at their best 10 February 2009 until 19 February 2009: This influence signifies your willingness to grow in consciousness and experience through your contacts with others and to be more magnanimous and willing to help others. In this you are helped by the fact that your relations with others are very good at this time, and you experience people at their best. This makes you more optimistic, and you rightly believe that whatever you give to others will be returned with interest. A person may enter your life now who really helps you out in various ways, especially by teaching you something about the universe and your role in it. This learning will be on whatever level you are ready for, perhaps simply learning to be more tolerant and open to new ideas or even encountering deep spiritual and religious truths through this relationship. Certainly you are ready for a greater spiritual understanding of the world now. You need to experience more than the superficial banality of life that many people become mired in. Although you are inclined to idealize the world in general and certain persons in particular, in the long run you will find that this is not a delusion but a period of truly expanding knowledge. Your learning at this time is not limited to spiritual truths, for you are in general more intellectually eager and willing to learn. This is an excellent time to go to school or take a course in a subject that will give you greater insight into the questions that interest you. On occasion this influence will signify the beginning of a relationship that can bring you great emotional happiness. It could be a new love, although that is much more likely if indicated more specifically by another influence at about this time. Any new love that comes now will be very beneficial to your personal growth, whether or not it lasts. Neptune sextile Neptune: Positive reforms End of February 2009 until mid December 2010: This is a time of new awakening to a sense of what your life is about. Before this time you have been working to establish your sense of who you are in the community of adults, and by now you probably have a pretty clear idea about that. But you may also have discovered that what you are doing with your life is not entirely appropriate. You may conclude that in the past you were motivated by too narrow a conception of what you are, by a need for security, or simply by petty ego-drives. Now you will begin to see your life in terms of a larger perspective. You should do whatever is necessary to make sure that you can live according to this new understanding. This influence does not arouse your sense of idealism particularly, but it does make you see that the universe is a very large place, and you are a much larger part of it than you have realized. You may be attracted to rather mystical ideas, but they will have meaning only according to how they affect your everyday world. At this time you don't need more abstractions to chase around - you need to make positive reforms in your life. And you will do so! This influence will cause you to cut away your past and reorient your life in accordance with the larger vision you have now. The many changes that occur may seem somewhat scary, but they are ultimately for the best. You will find new freedom in a new consciousness. Jupiter conjunction MC: A highlight End of March 2009 until end of November 2009: This is a period of culmination in which you make a greater effort to get where you want to be, either in your profession or in some other area. And your efforts appear to produce results more easily than at just about any other time. Therefore you feel better about yourself and your life than at other times, and you feel confident that you can handle anything that comes your way. If you are in business for yourself, you should be careful not to expand too rapidly or overextend yourself. You might leave yourself vulnerable to the more difficult times that will eventually come. Make sure that all expansion is carefully planned and that you have safeguards against future times of difficulty. Another negative side of this influence will come up if you do not get the recognition that you feel you deserve. If others do not acknowledge you openly, you may feel cheated and go on to assume the station and privilege that you think you deserve. Even if you are recognized, you may act arrogant and smug. Be careful of this, because it creates a negative energy that could lead to your total downfall this influence is no longer in effect. In general the sphere of your activities will broaden at this time, and you will probably meet new people from unfamiliar parts of the country and even from other parts of the world. They may come into your expanding sphere of action, or you may travel to their worlds. All of this is most likely to happen through your work rather than your personal life. Jupiter trine Moon: With little effort Beginning of April 2009 until mid December 2009: Usually you will feel very good with this influence, quite optimistic and generous. You will be concerned about the welfare of those around you and will want to protect the people you love. At this time you will attract favorable circumstances and resources with little effort, which will seem very pleasant now. But you should not expect this to keep on happening indefinitely. In particular, people may come after you to meet you for some reason, and these people could be quite beneficial to you in business or personal affairs. Regardless of your own sex, you may very well benefit from women during this time. In some people this influence may stimulate an interest in religious and spiritual thought, but your views would be more strongly concerned with ethics and morality than with a more mystical approach to religion. At the very least you can expect to feel quite good at this time, and even if nothing tremendous comes out of it, you will have a feeling of satisfaction and of being at peace with yourself.
Jupiter square Jupiter: Impending shortages 3 January 2009 until 12 January 2009: With this influence it is very important that you keep your affairs from getting out of hand. There is a strong tendency to excess, which may make it impossible to keep up with whatever you are involved in, simply because it is more than you can handle. Be particularly careful concerning financial matters, for you are likely to spend without thinking, confident that there is an abundance of money or other resources to back you up. You may not notice the pinch immediately, but shortly after this period you may experience shortages that will be severely exacerbated if you spend money foolishly now. But money is not the only area of concern. You may be overcommitted to projects that demand more time than you really have. So in every area of your life, make sure that you really have the time or resources to do what you have set out to do. Do not overestimate the resources at your disposal. If you avoid that pitfall, this can be a very fruitful influence, because it gives you more confidence and optimism and allows you to undertake projects that you would ordinarily be reluctant to take on. Also your basically positive attitude helps to ensure that your affairs will turn out the way you want. Under this influence some persons experience a kind of ego inflation in which they have delusions of grandeur or overestimate their self-importance. This can lead to arrogant behavior and inflated pride with little or no real substance behind it. What this influence does is test your sense of proportion. You have to know what you really can and cannot do and who you really are. Insofar as you fulfill those conditions, this influence will give you apparent luck and greater power to achieve. Jupiter trine Ascendant: People at their best 10 February 2009 until 19 February 2009: This influence signifies your willingness to grow in consciousness and experience through your contacts with others and to be more magnanimous and willing to help others. In this you are helped by the fact that your relations with others are very good at this time, and you experience people at their best. This makes you more optimistic, and you rightly believe that whatever you give to others will be returned with interest. A person may enter your life now who really helps you out in various ways, especially by teaching you something about the universe and your role in it. This learning will be on whatever level you are ready for, perhaps simply learning to be more tolerant and open to new ideas or even encountering deep spiritual and religious truths through this relationship. Certainly you are ready for a greater spiritual understanding of the world now. You need to experience more than the superficial banality of life that many people become mired in. Although you are inclined to idealize the world in general and certain persons in particular, in the long run you will find that this is not a delusion but a period of truly expanding knowledge. Your learning at this time is not limited to spiritual truths, for you are in general more intellectually eager and willing to learn. This is an excellent time to go to school or take a course in a subject that will give you greater insight into the questions that interest you. On occasion this influence will signify the beginning of a relationship that can bring you great emotional happiness. It could be a new love, although that is much more likely if indicated more specifically by another influence at about this time. Any new love that comes now will be very beneficial to your personal growth, whether or not it lasts. Neptune sextile Neptune: Positive reforms End of February 2009 until mid December 2010: This is a time of new awakening to a sense of what your life is about. Before this time you have been working to establish your sense of who you are in the community of adults, and by now you probably have a pretty clear idea about that. But you may also have discovered that what you are doing with your life is not entirely appropriate. You may conclude that in the past you were motivated by too narrow a conception of what you are, by a need for security, or simply by petty ego-drives. Now you will begin to see your life in terms of a larger perspective. You should do whatever is necessary to make sure that you can live according to this new understanding. This influence does not arouse your sense of idealism particularly, but it does make you see that the universe is a very large place, and you are a much larger part of it than you have realized. You may be attracted to rather mystical ideas, but they will have meaning only according to how they affect your everyday world. At this time you don't need more abstractions to chase around - you need to make positive reforms in your life. And you will do so! This influence will cause you to cut away your past and reorient your life in accordance with the larger vision you have now. The many changes that occur may seem somewhat scary, but they are ultimately for the best. You will find new freedom in a new consciousness. Jupiter conjunction MC: A highlight End of March 2009 until end of November 2009: This is a period of culmination in which you make a greater effort to get where you want to be, either in your profession or in some other area. And your efforts appear to produce results more easily than at just about any other time. Therefore you feel better about yourself and your life than at other times, and you feel confident that you can handle anything that comes your way. If you are in business for yourself, you should be careful not to expand too rapidly or overextend yourself. You might leave yourself vulnerable to the more difficult times that will eventually come. Make sure that all expansion is carefully planned and that you have safeguards against future times of difficulty. Another negative side of this influence will come up if you do not get the recognition that you feel you deserve. If others do not acknowledge you openly, you may feel cheated and go on to assume the station and privilege that you think you deserve. Even if you are recognized, you may act arrogant and smug. Be careful of this, because it creates a negative energy that could lead to your total downfall this influence is no longer in effect. In general the sphere of your activities will broaden at this time, and you will probably meet new people from unfamiliar parts of the country and even from other parts of the world. They may come into your expanding sphere of action, or you may travel to their worlds. All of this is most likely to happen through your work rather than your personal life. Jupiter trine Moon: With little effort Beginning of April 2009 until mid December 2009: Usually you will feel very good with this influence, quite optimistic and generous. You will be concerned about the welfare of those around you and will want to protect the people you love. At this time you will attract favorable circumstances and resources with little effort, which will seem very pleasant now. But you should not expect this to keep on happening indefinitely. In particular, people may come after you to meet you for some reason, and these people could be quite beneficial to you in business or personal affairs. Regardless of your own sex, you may very well benefit from women during this time. In some people this influence may stimulate an interest in religious and spiritual thought, but your views would be more strongly concerned with ethics and morality than with a more mystical approach to religion. At the very least you can expect to feel quite good at this time, and even if nothing tremendous comes out of it, you will have a feeling of satisfaction and of being at peace with yourself.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
since no one reads this anyway, unless by accident
I might as well be my candid, unfiltered self.
It is looking like leaving Daniel really was the best thing I could have done for him. I knew that all along, and it depressed me. For years I told him I was too fucked up for him and he never wanted to hear it.
In a way it seems like leaving was selfless, in that regard. I am pretty sure no one will ever treat me the way he did, see the sun shine out of my ass or be able to handle my tumultous ways.
I am lonely and poor so I am out of therapy and seeking solace in ALL the wrong places. I am trying to be careful not to hurt anyone (but myself I guess)...so far I am succeeding at that...
...I think.
It's hard to know.
Hoping the depression passes soon.
It is looking like leaving Daniel really was the best thing I could have done for him. I knew that all along, and it depressed me. For years I told him I was too fucked up for him and he never wanted to hear it.
In a way it seems like leaving was selfless, in that regard. I am pretty sure no one will ever treat me the way he did, see the sun shine out of my ass or be able to handle my tumultous ways.
I am lonely and poor so I am out of therapy and seeking solace in ALL the wrong places. I am trying to be careful not to hurt anyone (but myself I guess)...so far I am succeeding at that...
...I think.
It's hard to know.
Hoping the depression passes soon.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
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