what do I want

The ever plauging human condition/question.

I don't fucking know.  So I will write about my instant love of a man who, to this day, I don't know if he felt anything for me ever.  He sure did say all the right things, but...the rest is to be determined.

I remember being nervous to see you, and blowing you off.  It's like my subconscious knew what was ahead of me.  Hell, maybe it was my conscious.

I remember meeting you, with your big goofy smile.  You were tall, so very tall.  I remember feeling fat and uncomfortable and hoping, for whatever reason, that you might find me attractive.  I remember worrying about you finding out my drinking was a lifestyle (I later got over that.  Then, I quit.)

I remember my palms sweating, and me hanging onto every word you said.  I couldn't sleep that night, when we parted ways.  We didn't even kiss, but I was in love.

Everyone around me knew it right away.  I was smitten, done.  The end.  That's it.  Ovah for me. 

You were so charming.  So sweet.  So strong in your conviction of nothing but to not die,  not hurt your mom or family anymore. 

I remember your smell, and your taste, and our first kiss.  I remember how critical you were of me, but not in a hostile way.  Just like you were a student studying something, and I was the subject.

I remember our fall, how we lost each other.  Every painful moment that bleeds into the todays...

So in love.  Never had a love like that.

I hope you loved me at least a little.  I wonder what would happen if I saw you again, if we were to touch, or kiss...I wonder how many people I would hurt and disappoint for you again.

Despite it all, I miss you.

since myspace bolgging is null and uncontrollable

I'm sad.

Like, really sad.  Like I googled mental breakdown and I am convinced I am having one sad.  And idk how or why but I am still lucky enough to be surrounded by the most amazing people who are trying to get me through it.

I have zero motivation for work, it takes me an hour to et up in the morning and then I ache like no one's business, I never feel rested and I am having manic episodes.  It's worse than I have ever felt.  SO-I cut out drinking (which is leading to me eating a ton more sugars) and I am going to try and change my diet.  I also contacted a psychologist.  I am so tired of feeling this way.  I don't want to lose everything that matters to me...

God help me.